Whenever I think of writing a piece on certain topic, I freeze. Not that I can’t write about it. I can. It’s more about my own expectation of what that piece should look like when its finished and released. My imagination constructs a picture of me not delivering the depth and breadth of the topic, not doing a good enough job. The fear of failure rises from the ashes again and again, after the battle I though I’ve already won.
During one of my own coaching sessions, I’ve faced it, disguised as perfectionism, the reason I have spent hours and hours doing really unproductive tasks at work, at home, in business. Perfectionism ruined many good ideas, and not only mine – I’ve also seen my family members, friends, clients, perpetually planning something that could have been already released, could already be evolving creatively, or serving someone in need, or contributing to the greater cause. In that session, my coach challenged me to come up with a phrase that I could use to encourage myself in those gripping ‘it’s not yet perfect’ moments. The phrase I came up with after some deliberation was ‘I am enough’. Once I said it out loud, I felt an enormous release of energy and a weight lifting off my chest. This was certainly not what I expected!
‘I am enough’, a simple phrase, seemingly directly unrelated to any of it. If we dive beneath the surface, perfectionism and fear of failure are both different sides of the same coin, worldview stemming from a need to prove one’s worth. The experiences we have likely picked up and internalised along the way through our childhood and adolescence signalled to our own forming selves: ‘you have to prove you’re worth the love’, ‘you have to work hard to deserve nice things and good relationships’, ‘you must be perfect and not fail to be lovable, admirable, accepted’, ‘you are not enough as you are, you ought to do something about it’. For some of us acceptance wasn’t easy to come by, and unconditional love was not readily available. That, however, happens even when we are loved, but not the way we want or understand. We might have learned to ‘earn’ it, to survive in the environment we were in. Perhaps we have carried these coping strategies to this day, where they no longer work, where we sense that perhaps there is a better way to be.
There isn’t one way to change a belief, and it might not be straight forward, but if you are at your starting point, thank yourself for courage. Perhaps today you observe (with curiosity) how your perfectionism manifested itself in small everyday things, delayed projects, ideas that died unreleased, creative pursuits that never took shape. Perhaps today you thank your perfectionism for all the big achievements you can be proud of, because you did do more than it was required, you did perform better than it was expected, and that got you noticed, rewarded, it kept you going forward. Perhaps you do that and you feel like it is not enough, that there must be more to be done. Perhaps it’s time to come up with your own phrase to guide you during these moments! Before you do it, let me say: You are enough, and this is your starting point.
Letting go of deeply ingrained beliefs is simple, but it is not easy. When I sit down at the desk in front of an empty sheet, like I did this morning, and fear of failure pang in my solar plexus reminds me of all the possible ways this can fail. I breath in and breath out. ‘I am enough’ I say, to the empty room. I must see my mind as it is, observe it (with curiosity) creating its own suffering, and gently (with kindness) let go of an idea that anything I produce will be perfect. Instead, I can then think that perhaps this will help someone else become imperfect. Perhaps today someone has to read it to take a step forward on their own journey. If I can be a companion on this journey even for this one little step, it is enough.